Sunday, June 28, 2009

I've been doing so well

This week has been one of my best and now I feel like shitty not normal adam again. And it's because my sister is having a suprise party right now for jeff for his masters and there's a whole bunch of people downstairs. I don't understand, this aspect feels like it's never going to get any better...Im shying away from it up in my room cause I just don't have the energy for it. I was working in the city today and that almost always fries my stimuli for the day, but thats not all of the reason why im not down there. I wana be down there Im not a party pooper, Im really not. Ive been feeling like myself again I dunno why something like this is setting me back. Ive been full of energy and got the zest back in my life and i shouldn't be up here shying away from people. Sure part of it is because over stimulation of people, noise, movement gives me a headache and makes me panic. But it's also where my head is at too. As I got older I realized and saw alot of the fakeness of people, especially in social situations (like parties). They act one way with a group of people and put on a face and then act another way with others and it just makes me sick. Ugh I don't know how some of these people do it, it drains me. I feel like I have to entertain people and i hate it. And people say "you don't have to entertain people" YES YOU DO! You have to keep a conversation going because if you don't people will make fun of you cause your quiet. So Im constantly thinking of what to say next and it puts alot of pressure on me and when I can't think of something and the convo falls apart then there is an awkward silence and I HATE THAT! Im not very good with conversation Im sorry, so either I just keep my mouth shut and people say things about me or I try and it's hit or miss. And I also hate when Im in a group of people and they're having a convo and then i can have a breather cause Im not the one holding it together, but then people get up and leave and then Im stuck there with one or two people and I have to say something! and it's always awkward, always! I just feel like I have to dance the entire time Im in a social situation and I just don't feel like it, it drains me. It just feels so fake and boring to me, peopel sitting around conversing. thats supposed to be fun? I mean little sandwiches wrapped up, nice music in the backround, cakes and napkins, it just feels like such a production and a display and I hate displays. and I feel horrible that im not down there right now but i don't know what to do. I feel trapped up here. I hope I can get past this one day and it doesn't haunt me forever. People just annoy me, Im sorry but they do. They're either rubbing their ego in your face, correcting what you say all the time, making you feel stupid, making some observational comment about yous physical features to make themselves feel good, making any comment about you to make themselves feel good, putting you down, etc etc. Im tired of it, I really am. Thats why when even one person makes a comment about me being tall or skinny or quiet I walk right out infront of them, I don't care, I just can't take it anymore. Ive heard it and heard it and heard it and heard it and heard it and heard it and heard it and heard it and I don't want to hear it anymore. Im 21 going to be 22 and already Im tired of it. Im tired of all the convo shitters actually, Ive heard them all quite a bit. The im gunna wait till you slip up and make a mistake so I can jump on it and correct you. the im gunna point out something about you thats less then perfect to make myself feel better and throw all my insecurities off on you. The Im gunna get the whole group together to laugh at you about something. The your always wrong. Ive heard it all and Im done

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