Wow!

Did you see that last post I wrote? It's chock full of anxiety! Just look at the space my head was in! I started meditating after my whole anxiety trip and just saw where I was! I had the anxiety filter on! Wow! Really just wow, what a trip. My ego had me bound, I was totally emersed in it. Hopefully as I progress with my spiritual practice Ill be able to do what Im doing now as the emotion is happening! Wow anxiety? Yeah, cool! What a feeling it is! And how lucky I am to be alive to experience it!

We are both the experiencer and the creator

I've been doing so well

This week has been one of my best and now I feel like shitty not normal adam again. And it's because my sister is having a suprise party right now for jeff for his masters and there's a whole bunch of people downstairs. I don't understand, this aspect feels like it's never going to get any better...Im shying away from it up in my room cause I just don't have the energy for it. I was working in the city today and that almost always fries my stimuli for the day, but thats not all of the reason why im not down there. I wana be down there Im not a party pooper, Im really not. Ive been feeling like myself again I dunno why something like this is setting me back. Ive been full of energy and got the zest back in my life and i shouldn't be up here shying away from people. Sure part of it is because over stimulation of people, noise, movement gives me a headache and makes me panic. But it's also where my head is at too. As I got older I realized and saw alot of the fakeness of people, especially in social situations (like parties). They act one way with a group of people and put on a face and then act another way with others and it just makes me sick. Ugh I don't know how some of these people do it, it drains me. I feel like I have to entertain people and i hate it. And people say "you don't have to entertain people" YES YOU DO! You have to keep a conversation going because if you don't people will make fun of you cause your quiet. So Im constantly thinking of what to say next and it puts alot of pressure on me and when I can't think of something and the convo falls apart then there is an awkward silence and I HATE THAT! Im not very good with conversation Im sorry, so either I just keep my mouth shut and people say things about me or I try and it's hit or miss. And I also hate when Im in a group of people and they're having a convo and then i can have a breather cause Im not the one holding it together, but then people get up and leave and then Im stuck there with one or two people and I have to say something! and it's always awkward, always! I just feel like I have to dance the entire time Im in a social situation and I just don't feel like it, it drains me. It just feels so fake and boring to me, peopel sitting around conversing. thats supposed to be fun? I mean little sandwiches wrapped up, nice music in the backround, cakes and napkins, it just feels like such a production and a display and I hate displays. and I feel horrible that im not down there right now but i don't know what to do. I feel trapped up here. I hope I can get past this one day and it doesn't haunt me forever. People just annoy me, Im sorry but they do. They're either rubbing their ego in your face, correcting what you say all the time, making you feel stupid, making some observational comment about yous physical features to make themselves feel good, making any comment about you to make themselves feel good, putting you down, etc etc. Im tired of it, I really am. Thats why when even one person makes a comment about me being tall or skinny or quiet I walk right out infront of them, I don't care, I just can't take it anymore. Ive heard it and heard it and heard it and heard it and heard it and heard it and heard it and heard it and I don't want to hear it anymore. Im 21 going to be 22 and already Im tired of it. Im tired of all the convo shitters actually, Ive heard them all quite a bit. The im gunna wait till you slip up and make a mistake so I can jump on it and correct you. the im gunna point out something about you thats less then perfect to make myself feel better and throw all my insecurities off on you. The Im gunna get the whole group together to laugh at you about something. The your always wrong. Ive heard it all and Im done

Tao te Ching: Verse 57

If you want to be a great leader,
You must learn to follow the Tao.
Stop trying to control
Let go of fixed plans and concepts,
and the world will govern itself.

The more prohibitions you have,
the less virtuous people will be.
The more weapons you have,
the less secure people will be.
The more subsidies you have,
the less self-reliant people will be.

Therefore the master says:
I let go of the law,
and people become honest.
I let go of economics,
and people become more prosperous.
I let go of religion,
and people become serene.
I let go of all desire for the common good,
and the good becomes common as grass.

Feeling it melt away...

So since I dove back into my spiritual practice head first Id have to say Im starting to feel alot more like myself again. Ive realized alot of things just in this short period of time and one of them being that I don't have to fight the world like I have been. Alot of my stress and anxiety came from me hating and fighting against the world all the time and I realized that it really is all perfect. Taoism has taught me that fighting against the world and trying to fix it is a losing battle and I know that first hand from the way I was feeling. We are all perfect and all apart of the drama. I was at the gym today and just felt so euphoric seeing all the perfection around me. As ram dass said it was like "seeing god's paint brush at work." And I didn't have to push or pull or do anything, it's always been perfect the way it is! I was the one that was making it "unperfect" for myself. Im trying to think of how to word what Im going to say right now....it's like...so long as I kept wanting the world to be perfect it was never going to be. Because wanting something puts you at a distance from it and it'll never happen. As soon as I had that mind shift from wanting to accepting I saw the world in a way Ive never seen it before. It was like being born again. I hope I made sense in what I was trying to get across

Another thing I realized is that all you're unhappyness really does spawn from you're attachments. Atleast mine do. Now whenever Im feeling anxious or upset or whatever about something and I don't know why, I ask myself "what am I attached to?" You don't realize it but your mind is CONSTANTLY looking for something to cling too, something for it to attach itself too. For whatever reason I haven't figured that out yet, maybe it'll be another realization some day, but it really does go from one thing to the next. It's not you're fault either it's just the way it is, but working with meditation can help you free your mind and make you a happier person. For example when Im feeling like Im inadequate (hope I spelled that right) and like Im not doing enough with my life I figured out that what Im attached to is what other people think of what Im doing. Im attached to wanting people to think of me a certain way and just knowing that makes the anxiety drop 50% and then I can take that attachment and throw it away and there goes the other 50%. And I know that Im not the only one that does this either. I could name a few people I know who are solely doing things based off what other people think or to impress people with how much they have or how much they've done, but they will go unnamed on this blog of mine.lol Thats how I also eventually got over my break up too was finding out that I was fighting the change and then once I realized that I just surrendered and let the change just happen, I embraced it and knew that it was all apart of the perfection.

Another thing that Ive come to realize is that livng in the now is one of the most beautiful things you can experience as a human being. Thats all I have to say about that.

Now working with meditation Ive found a method that has worked for me and it's a method thats been used for thousands of years. But you take everything that you know yourself to be (ex. Im a brother, a son, a friend, 6'5", I work at Mattituck shellfish, I live on long island, Im laid back, blah blah blah) you take everything and then throw it away. Then what am I do you ask? You are exactly that....and you are none of that. It's quite the paradox and if you try and rationalise it with the thinking mind you'll never figure out what I just said. You Are.....

I will right more later but for now I must go get something to eat. Peace

Oh and I will be starting a new series (thank you dr.L for the idea.lol). I will be writing each day one of the 81 verses of the tao de ching that was written a loooooonnnnngggggg time ago by Lao Tsu. It is said to be the greatest selling book only second to the bible. I don't think I will do all 81 but as I write them down I will contemplate each one and I hope you will join me in understanding the writtings of Lao Tsu

Some funny stuff

Here's a little humor for everyone. It's Zack Galifianakis and Tim and Eric doing a set of commercials for absolute vodka.lol If you don't understand this type of humor, it's completely understandable.lol But the third video toward the end makes me lose it everytime.lol Watch all 3 and you'll understand why. I love tim and eric.lol

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5p0QtJMKt1s&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3EQcvKCFFW4&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nx6LAT-FqxU&feature=related

Words Of Mahler (My favorite composer ever)

"The point is not to take the world's opinion as a guiding star but to go one's way in life and working unerringly, neither depressed by failure nor seduced by applause."

-Gustav Mahler

6.2.09 Jones Beach Show - Night 1

After the bold statement at Fenway park that Phish was back and better than ever, they continued their summer tour with a 3 night run at Jones Beach Amphitheater. Even though the weather was not promising the show that was about to come was. Starting the night off with Runaway Jim and Foam the boys showed that they have definitly been practicing and the tight, intracet phish that we all know and love was here to stay.

Next they debuted another new song from their upcoming album called "Stealing Time from the Faulty Plan." Which out of all the new tunes they have presented to us so far, this has to be my favorite. Continuing the set with timber/cities/Driver they came up to another highlight which was Reba. Reba (like foam) has a very comlex composed section in the beginning and they nailed it! The jam that followed was very moving and beautiful. Trey seems to be shaping the jams better then he did at the Hampton shows and to all you people who say Trey needs the drugs, go screw yourself. How selfish of you and Zappa never did drugs and look at what a genius he was...just sayin. They then finished off the first set with a mellow and peacefull "If I Could"

Second set had a nice little string of songs which was Mikes Song>Simple>Wolfman's Brother>Weekapaug Groove. The segues between the songs were a little sloppy and didn't seem to flow but it was still a nice attempt. Next came a great "When the Circus Comes to Town" and a new song debut of "Kill Devil Falls" (which happens to be my least favorite new tune). But now we come to the highlight of the entire show and in my opinion the entire run "Harry Hood" If nothing else download this show just for this one song you won't regret it. The middle section of the jam on this "Hood" is absolute bliss, like no other hood ive ever heard them play. In this song they remind us why we love them so much and keep coming back for more. There is no other band that can channel the energy of life like they can and do in this jam, NO ONE. If you want proof that there is a god and want to merge into it's pulse then listen to this jam. But of course after the psychedelic journey Trey sorta has a crash landing with the end of the song but it is all made up for by that middle section....

Tonight they play the bonnaroo festival and are going to tear the roof off the place. Poor festival is going to be flooded with phish fans.lol

"Be Water"

Water is not rigid

Water has no agenda

If it stops flowing water will stagnate

Water gives and never asks for anything in return

Water molds and adapts to any surrounding

Our bodies are made up of mostly water. This has been a practice taught for centuries in eastern religions. Become water and move into the way

By July of this year there will be an estimated 6,790,062,216 people in the world (Thats not a made up number either I got it from the census website.) My point for bringing this up you ask? Well I had an epiphany today. As usual whenever I have a bad day I start thinking, and I was thinking that of those over 6 billion people in the world, you have the exact same amount of experiences, and not one of them being the same! There are no two people where you could say that they had the exact same experience going through life, even if they were together for every single moment together (like some people are I guess, conjoined twins comes to mind).

I find it funny though that out of all those people....not a single one of us knows what the fuck is going on. You may think you do, but you really don't. But think about it that's 6 billion ego's walking around injecting themselves into each other. I guess my point is that...people you meet everyday are casting judgements on you right off the bat. People you know have their idea's about you and the way you live your life too and if you go around trying to convince everyone to think of you the way you'd like them to think off you there's no point. It's not weak to give up sometimes because here is a prime example, GIVE UP. Things about you are being swirled around by people everyday and most of those people haven't a clue. It's kinda like the internet....once you put something out there, it's pretty much impossible to change it or to get it off. But the thing is that the assumptions/judgements/aspersions that people are placing on you have nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

Thats why I brought up experience before. You've got over 6 billion experience's who don't know what each other's is like and they're all casting judgements on each other (mostly). I hope I made sense in what I was trying to get across. Im just frustraited with people giving me their 2 cents all the time and people casting judgements on me. I hate to use the stupid cliche but I should just stop carring what people think of me. Im sick of being told to open up and then pretty much to shut up when I do. Im sick of people having to fluff up their ego's infront of me everyday, like a peacock trying to impress a lady peacock. Im not impressed, stop puffing your chest out infront of me, fuck off. Cause thats all it is, it's just fluff, and I can tell when it's just fluff and it's annoying.


"Most of our lives are spent reasurring each other that our ego's are on straight" - Ram Dass

"People who always have to tell you that they don't care what other people thing are desperate for you to know they don't care what other people think" - George Carlin

I don't know if those quotes are exact but I think they are

PHENWAY!!

Phish kicked off their first summer tour in 5 years last night at the great Fenway Park and what a show it was! Starting off the night on the pitchers mound with the star spangled banner sung acapella, the boys had a great concert in store for everybody. The night was full of first time played songs, songs rarely played, classic tunes, spacey jams and blow out covers! They are really starting to get the feel for it again and if this is just them working out the kinks then this summer tour is going to be insane. To top it all off Trey is clean and sober and his tone sounds amazing, he definitly has the compressor back in his rig and doesn't have that nasty dirty raunchy sound as he did post hiatus. Don't get me wrong I liked some of the dirtier stuff but that sound did not work with alot of their stuff, not at all. All in all I have high expetactions for this tour and it's only a matter of time before they really go in a new direction and blow us all away (look up 97 funk) as long as it's not in some techno direction, I will never listen to them again if they do that crap. Please don't become some Techno wank meaningless p.o.s jamband. Im sure they won't but just the thought of that would be horrifying. You can download Fenway at www.livephish.com , it's only 10 bucks and well worth it. Or try and find a free audience recording but they sound like shit, I would recomment getting the soundboards.