Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Dear President Obama,

What is going on? I don't even know where to begin. Why are you so blatantly turning your back on the people that got you elected? You promised change. You instilled hope in everyone, after the 8 years of hell we went through, and it's just turning out to be more of the same. Politicians for years have said the same things that you had said during you're campaing, but we thought there was something diffrent with you. We belived you. You brought people out in droves that had never voted before in their lives, all because they had some hope that you would be diffrent. They saw something in you. If you continue on the path that you have been taking the past year then you will be letting alot of people down. They will never vote again.

It is beyond sad to me that you cannot get REAL health reform to pass, with a majority in the house and senate and the White house. Please explain how this is possible. The senate bill that is to be voted on christmas eve is NOT health reform. And to claim victory in it's passing is unconcionable. Did you actually think that republicans would work with you? You've let them and the insurance companies step all over the bill and beat any form of a public option out of it and you want to claim this as a historic vote? Single-payer? gone. Public option? gone. Medicare buy-in? Out of here. What are we left with Mr. President? What are the people of this country left with? The people who came out and voted for you, the poor, the young, the minorities. A mandate?! A mandate to give these corporations even more money?! Thats health reform?!

"With liberty and justice for all..." Really? Those words ring hollow to me now. I cannot have any pride in those words that Ive repeated so many times in school as a kid, when we deny a segment of our society the right to marry or serve in the military. We as a nation OPENLY discriminate against people for their sexual orientation. Sounds really bad and hypocrytical when you say it to yourself. You've done nothing as of yet to address this.

You've adopted the bush doctorine and escalated the war in Afghanistan. In you're speech on Afghanistan you said that you "saw first hand the terrible wages of war". Im sorry Mr. President but you have not. You've seen bodies coming back in caskets but you have not experienced war. YOu haven't seen the millions of innocent people we have killed in our "crusade" against terrorism. Solving violent actions with more violent actions is not the way to go. America is a bully Mr. President. If we follow the bush doctorine with any sense of fairness then we should be invading ourselves for all of our secret sponsorships of terrorism that we have engaged in when it suits our interest. But I won't go into that. That'll be another post. All I will say is to just look at our Foreign policy history with Latin America....

You're going to let the people who took this country into the ditch take it further into the ditch because you and the democrats don't have a back bone. Bush and the neo-cons got 2 wars through with far less then you and with no problem at all. Ill just say it again President Obama...Whats the deal?

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Great speech on Marriage Equality

As some of you may know the New York State Senate recently voted down a bill to ensure marriage equality for same-sex couples. The vote came to 38-24 with no republicans voting for it (what a suprise). The people at the Human Right Campaign recenlty sent this great speech by Senator Diane Savino in an email and I wanted to share it with everyone too. Enjoy

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Zen Koan: Temper

A Zen student came to Bankei and complained: "Master, I have an ungovernable temper. How can I cure it?"

"You have something very stranger," replied Bankei. "Let me see what you have."

"Just now I cannot show it to you," replied the other.

"When can you show it to me?" asked Bankei.

"It arises unexpectedly," replied the student.

"Then," concluded Bankei, "it must not be your own true nature. If it were, you could show it to me at any time. When you were born you did not have it, and your parents did not give it to you. Think that over."

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Speak Easy

If there's a scream inside of you
Just let it go
You're beating yourself up baby
Don't you know
You've got to get through
And lift the roof off your soul

It's like the pain locked
In the part of your heart
It's never gonna leave it
Unless you start
To warm it up
Be wise and be smart

Out on the ocean
There's no one around
No one to hear a sound
It's just us out here
Out on the ocean
Speaking free

Away from the city
Away from the ears that
Bug us and judge us
It's so liberating
To be free
And my heart slows down

Nice and easy
And your breathing will be pleasing
Just speak easy
And say what's on your mind
I search for something
to compare you to
Thought long and hard
For a simile true
Now I'm suddenly aware
End the quest you're beyond compare
So speak easy

If there's a shadow in your life
Then there's sunshine
Things turning inside out
All the time
Just rewind
It's all in your mind

Oh so speak easy
Out here we're floating
Late in the night
And the only light to guide us is a
Full moon that's glowing
On the sea

Nice and easy
And your breathing will be pleasing
Just speak easy
And say whats on your mind
I search for something
To compare you to
Thought long and hard
For a simile true
Now Im suddenly aware
End the quest you're beyond compare
So speak easy

- 311

Monday, November 30, 2009

Tao Te Ching: Verse 7

The Tao is inifinte, eternal.
Why is it eternal?
IT was never born;
thus it can never die.
Why is it infinite?
It has no desires for itself;
thus it is present for all beings.

The Master stays behind;
that is why she is ahead.
She is detached from all things;
that is why she is one with them.
Because she has let go of herself,
she is perfectly fulfilled.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Tao Te Ching: Verse 6

The Tao is called the Great Mother:
empty yet inexaustible,
it gives birth to infinite worlds.

It is always present within you.
You can use it any way you want.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Please Call Me By My True Names - Thich Naht Hanh

I have a poem for you. This poem is about three of us. The first is a twelve year old girl, one of the boat people crossing the Gulf of Siam. She was raped by a sea pirate, and after that threw herself into the sea. The second is the sea pirate who was born in a remote village in Thailand. And the third person is me. I was very angry, of course. But I could not take sides against the sea pirate. If I could have, it would have been easier, but I couldn't. I realize that if I had been born in his village and had lived a similar life - economic,educational and so on - it is likely that I would now be the sea pirate. So it is not easy to take sides. Out of suffering, I wrote this poem. It is called "Please Call Me By My True Names," because I have many names, and when you call me by any of them, I have to say "Yes."

Don't say that I will depart tomorrow --
Even today I am still arriving.

Look deeply: Every second I am arriving
to be a bud on a spring branch
to be a tiny bird, with still fragile wings,
learning to sing in my new nest,
to be a caterpillar in the heart of a flower,
to be a jewel hiding itself in a stone.

I still arrive, inorder to laugh and cry,
to fear and to hope.

The rhythm of my heart is the birth and death
of all that is alive.

I am the mayfly metamorphosing
on the surface of a river.
And I am the bird
that swoops down to swallow the mayfly.

I am a frog swimming happily
in the clear water of a pond.
And I am the grass-snake
that silently feeds itself on the frog.

I am the child in Uganda, all skin and bones,
my legs as thin as bamboo sticks.
And I am the arms merchant,
selling deadly weapons to Uganda.

I am the twelve year old girl,
refugee on a small boat,
who throws herself into the ocean
after being raped by a sea pirate.
And I am the pirate,
my heart not yet capable
of seeing and loving.

I am a member of the politburo,
with plenty of power in my hands.
And I am the man who has to pay
his "debt of blood" to my people
dying slowly in a forced labor camp.

My joy is like spring, so warm
it makes flowers bloom all over the Earth.
My pain is like a river of tears,
so vast it fills four oceans.

Please call me by my true names,
so I can hear all my cries and my laughter all at once,
so I can see that my joy and pain are one.

Please call me by my true names,
so I can wake up,
and so the door of my heart,
can be left open,
the door of compassion.

- Thich Naht Hanh

Friday, November 6, 2009

Tao te Ching: Verse 5

The Tao doesn't take sides;
it gives birth to good and evil.
The Master doesn't take sides;
she welcomes both saints and sinners.

The Tao is like a bellows:
it is empty yet infinitely capable.
The more you use it, the more it produces;
the more you talk of it, the less you understand.

Hold on to the center.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Don't worry people nothing has happend

But I really feel like I could just drop out of society right now and not be the least bit saddend at all. Actually I feel as though I would do better. Ive felt this way for the longest time and I don't know whats stopping me from doing it. Maybe fear? I don't know. People take my boredom with life as depression but it's not. Im just tired of the games and trips that go along with this lifestyle. Because it's like "is that all there is?" I find myself constantly saying to myself that there's gotta be more to life than this. And it's not just one general game that Im talking about. It's games that people and I have played with relationships, education, friends, achievment, goals, etc etc. Whatever it is there always seems to be a game that goes along with it, but for what? It just seems so empty to me.

Now really the only time I don't have that empty feeling is when Im doing something with unattachment or doing whatever Im doing in complete surrender. But as you can imagine thats hard to do when you live in a place like Long Island, which is always go go go and material material material and achieve achieve achieve. It's easy to forget the thing that makes you feel whole and get caught in the trap of feeling like you don't have enough. So what do I do? Do I stay here and try and cut through it all? Or do I finally say Ive had enough and drop out and find a cave in the Himalays. I dunno, but hopefully the answer comes soon.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009


You are bound by karma! You are a slave to it! Ironically the more I say that to myself the more free I feel. There is no such thing as good or bad karma! Karma is just the unfolding of cause and effect, or aka your life! Just about an hour ago I was feeling depressed and frustraited and angry about my "situation" with not having a job and not knowing where Im going, etc etc. But sitting in meditation for an hour I burned all that away. I was able to see that I was feeling trapped by my situation at the moment and that Ive always felt trapped no matter what situation I was in. Wether it was school, or working at depot or not having anything to do at all like it is now. And Ive always fought the feeling of being trapped. I realized that if I was a millionaire I would feel just as trapped as I would if I were a bum on the street. And thats because you are! So intstead of fighting my karma I GO with it. But it's not just rolling over and submitting to whatever it is your dealing with. The whole game is about bringing CONCIOUSNESS to it. If you bring conciousness to your predicament you free yourself from it!

Burn it all away! Everything! Just burn it away! It's a battle between you and your ego, but you need that struggle inorder to create the fire to burn your shit in! Thoughts of self-conciousness arise? BURN IT! Feeling depressed? BURN IT! Thinking about someone that said something you didn't like? THROW IT IN THE FIRE! Even throw yourself in it! You CANNOT carry anything around with you because then you get defined by it and god is undefinable! The ego is very tricky and does not want to die. It will hang on to anything it can to not lose it's identity, and I mean anything. It is desperate for your attention and to make it as important as possible. Don't fall for it's tricks!

Realize that wherever you are in life right now, young or old, rich or poor, "successful" or not, you are playing your part in the drama PERFECTLY right now. Let go of EVEYTHING and you shall gain EVERYTHING

Tao te Ching: Verse 4

The Tao is like a well:
used but never used up.
It's like the eternal void:
filled with infinite possibilities.

It's hidden but always present.
I don't know who gave birth to it.
It is older than God.

Words of Mahler

Never let oneself be guided by the opinion of one's contemporaries. Continue steadfastly on one's way. - Gustav Mahler

Monday, September 7, 2009

Getting deeper...

Spiritual practice is beginning to open myself up again to the world. Im starting to feel the restrictions that Ive put on myself all these years, with my mind, become less and less of a handicap. They have not completely fallen away yet and maybe never will, but what used to be crippling is just a fascinating part of the dance now. You see quieting yourself down and being one with it all, for me atleast, has taught me more about myself and this life then I could have ever imagined. But if you do meditation or spiritual practice or praying or whatever for that reason then you're not going to learn anything at all. Meditation is not done to become a healthier person, or to become enlightened, or to be able to see it all, or because it's the hip thing to do now. Meditation is done because thats all there is to do, it's done just because. If you bring a goal or you're ego in with you, your not going to get anywhere, nor is there anywhere to go anyway.

At this point in my journey Ive come to realize that I reside in a place, right on the edge, where everything is manifest, a place of total fulfillment. Good and bad, pretty and ugly, bitter and sweet, etc etc. I am in form but formless, I am here but not here, I am doing something and not doing anything at all. Right in the center between yin and yang. And as you become more able to extricate yourself from your structures of mind, emotion, feeling, personality, you start to see it all as perfect and harmonious. Thats the whole game is trying to get back to that place where we all came from of emptiness, spaciousness and love. The formula seems to be that emptiness = total fulfillment. Odd formula isn't it? But as soon as you try and inject the ego or some other frame of mind into it, you lose it. And when you're at that place you see everything and accept everything for the way it is with total love and compassion, the good and the bad, because thats all you can do. You can't accept the good times and recject the bad times it's impossible, and the people who try and do it are the ones that are constantly running into problems all the time, wether it be big or small. Because part of it is the perspective of which they are looking at the situation which is the ego. The universe isn't fighting against bad things happening to it, it's just letting it happen. Neither is the universe wasting itself worried about it's inevitable demise, it just is. And as you get deeper and deeper, you start to love the highs and lows just as equally becuase you see the perfection in it all, and to do otherwise just creats more suffering and is hypocrytical if you really think about it. It's like what maharaji said to Ram Dass "Don't act like christ, become christ"

All of your fears and worries and stresses are just creations of the ego. As it is said "Only the unattached mind can really see how it all is" Your attachments and your ego are creating your universe.

Tao te Ching: Verse 3

If you overesteem great men,
people become powerless.
If you overvalue possessions,
people begin to steal.

The Master leads
by emptying people's minds
and filling their cores,
by weakening their ambition
and toughening their resolve.
He helps people lose everything
they know, everything they desire,
and creates confusion
in those who think that they know.

Practice not-doing,
and everything will fall into place.

Friday, September 4, 2009

8.14.09: Meadow's Music Theatre - Hartford, Ct

Yes, my first phish experience and what an experience it was. The second night of the final four night run of the summer tour. This show had it all and is being hailed as one of the best shows of the tour. The scene was beautiful, the music was beautiful as was the entire night.

After a longer than expected drive to the venue me and my friend arrived there about an hour and a half before the show was supposed to start. So we walked around the parking lots and just took in the scene (and to look for a person to sell our extra ticket too). All around were people tail-gaiting, listening to music, throwing a football, selling various handmade products, etc etc. It was a very calm atmosphere, with all the diffrent concerts Ive been too, Ive never gotten a vibe like I did that night. Well after some wandering about and finding someone who was looking for an extra ticket we headed onto the lawn, it was still early so we found a nice spot on the lawn where we had a great veiw and just laid on the lawn for a while listening to some Coltrane that was on the house music. Then as the hour progressed more people started coming in (obviously) but it was 8:00 alreay and still no PHISH! What were they trying to do to me?! Another 45 minutes had past with the occasional false alarm and the crowed clapping in reaction when FINALLY...ahhhhh the four guys from vermont.

The lights went down, the place FILLED with smoke and the first note of the night came out which was "Punch You In the Eye" Great first set opener. The night continued on with a little trip to gamehenge with "AC/DC Bag" and an "NICU". After that we got a great "Colenel Forbins Ascent>Famous Mocking Bird" Usually some type of story is told during the song but there was none to be had, the night was still young though. Famouse Mocking Bird was very well played by trey for an 09 show. After the stellar excecution of Mocking Bird they whipped out a dark meniacle "Birds of a Feather" I was never really a fan of this song in the beginning but it's starting to grow on me now because I realize how much jam potential there is with this song. After the first psychedelic jam of the night page decided to come out and serenade us with the always fun jazz interlude of "Lawn Boy". With a shout out to the people on the lawn! Wooooo! After that, another psychedelic journey, this time with "Stash". The first set was very jammy, which I like because Im a big fan of when they just go off. Alot of risk taking in the first set and we still had another one to go! Ending the other worldly "stash" they brought it back down again with "I didn't Know" where fishman plays his vacuum solo! After that came a song that I love love love called "Middle of the Road" It's a new song but it's so fun and I can't stop listening to it. To end a great first set they topped it off with the blues based "Character Zero". My first set of phish had been completed and I was not disapointed.

After the fifteen minute break the boys came out again and the night was back on! They came right out of the gates running with "Down with Disease." This song has been the jam vehicle of the tour and I was excited to see how it would pan out tonight. It's always a great song to get the crowd moving too. This "Disease" was going fantastic! The song was really being shaped nicely and toward the end it was getting serene and beautiful! I was so into it! and then....trey kills it by starting "Wilson". What?! There was absolutely no grace in the segue what so ever. The disease jam was beautiful and then it was just BLAT! Totally brought me back down to I guess trey decided he had had enough and just wasn't feelin it anymore. Oh well, had to move on, atleast "wilson" sounded great. After the great but structured "Wilson" they segue into "slave to the traffic light" ahhhhh back to my euphoria. "slave" sounded beautiful and again trey was shaping the music much better then the beginning of summer. Now at this point I had this HUGE dude, spun out on something or another, dancing like a manic right next to me! But it's ok he was being cool about it and didn't bother me, but I was thinking that if he hit me I would be going down the He was a big dude, but hey he was enjoying himself. So as the "slave" ended they went into a fantastic, very well jammed out "piper" It even got me moving. From "piper" it segued into "water in the sky" ahhhhhh another fun song. I love those blue grass tunes as did the guy next to
HIm and his buddy started to do a hoe down. Nothing like a blue grass song to lift every body's
spirits. After that "Psycho Killer" which was on the house music before the show that alot of people were singing along too, so I guess they got the idea to play this song from the reception it received. The "Psycho Killer" was short and then changed into this weird, futuristic, video game rythm to which I said in my head "YES!" They were really going out on a limb here! This is why we love this band! They kept that going as trey started to goof around and try and dance to the Which was undanceable. Then he told fish to come and try the best dance he could. Keeping the strange rythm going trey started reciting their poem "Catapult!" WOOOOOOOOO!!! CATAPULT! OMG This was going to a whole other level. With the rythm STILL going trey started telling us how "we kids" are so involved with our technology with our video games and ipods. Then he remarked how he was around for the invention of PONG to which he started to immitated it to the strange music, which was extremely Going on about our technology and "kids these days" he started a rarely played song called "Icculus" This is where the story came in! Then to finish the night off and the set they came with "You Enjoy Myself"
Just an epic night with and epic setlist and EPIC playing. I will never forget it for as long as I live

Tao te Ching: Verse 2

When people see some things as beautiful,
other things become ugly.
When people see some things as good,
other things become bad.

Being and non-being create each other.
Difficult and easy support each other.
Long and short define each other.
High and low depend on each other.
Before and after follow each other.

Therefore the Master
acts without doing anything
and teaches without saying anything.
Things arise and she lets them come;
things disappear and she lets them go.
She has but doesn't possess,
acts but doesn't expect.
When her work is done, she forgets it.
That is why it lasts forever.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Tao Te Ching: Verse 1

The tao that can be told
is not the eternal Tao
The name that can be named
is not the eternal Name.

The unnamable is the eternally real.
Naming is the origin
of all particular things.

Free from desire, you realize the mystery.
Caught in desire, you see only the manifestations.

Yet mystery and manifestations
arise from the same source.
This source is called darkness.

Darkness within darkness.
The gateway to all understanding.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

The sun isn't busy shinning, it just IS

So Ive started my spiritual practice again along with meditating and why I keep stopping is absolutely stupid but atleast I know why now. And the reason why is because, like many of us, I got caught in the trap of the mind. I got caught up in the whirlwind of thought process and through deep meditation I was able to see how truly tragic that is. I would rationalise my way out of doing meditation because "I felt fine" or "Ill do it tomorrow" etc etc. When all along I was suffering and didn't know why. Until I finally forced myself to sit down one day and do it.

At first I saw my mind going at a million miles a minute. It was taking me here, there and everywhere. That happens for a good long while. Then I started to get figgety and I didn't know why. I thought I was doing everything right, key word "thought". Then I realized that for some reason I felt like there was something I needed to be doing, like that because I was just sitting here I should be feeling guilty. I would ask myself "shouldn't I be listening to music" then say "No there is nothing that needs to be done" or "shouldn't I be applying to jobs?" then say "No there is nothing that needs to be done." "Well shoudln't I be going to the gym?" then say "No there is nothing that needs to be done." After asking myself about 15 questions of the same nature and giving the same respone I finally dropped all my attachments and was like "yeaaaa, thats it"

You see the truth is that there is nothing that needs to be done, how about that? "But what about my taxes? what about my work? what about my schedule? Those don't need to be done? What kind of rational person says there is nothing to be done when I have all this weight on me!" Well that just exactly it, you're to much in the mind. Because those don't need to be done either, they'll be taken care of regardless of how much you stress over it or attach yourself to its outcome. God, tao, the seat of conciousness, whatever you want to call it moves all things and they will be moved too and when they are moved something else will take it's place and so on and so on until your karma finally runs out. And thats the point of the title of this post "the sun isn't busy shinning, it just is." Do you think the sun has anxiety or is stressing over having to provide light to the earth everyday? No it's not. Because without a mind it can't get caught up in it's tireless trips. It's just filling it's role in perfect harmony with the rest of the universe

Sunday, June 28, 2009


Did you see that last post I wrote? It's chock full of anxiety! Just look at the space my head was in! I started meditating after my whole anxiety trip and just saw where I was! I had the anxiety filter on! Wow! Really just wow, what a trip. My ego had me bound, I was totally emersed in it. Hopefully as I progress with my spiritual practice Ill be able to do what Im doing now as the emotion is happening! Wow anxiety? Yeah, cool! What a feeling it is! And how lucky I am to be alive to experience it!

We are both the experiencer and the creator

I've been doing so well

This week has been one of my best and now I feel like shitty not normal adam again. And it's because my sister is having a suprise party right now for jeff for his masters and there's a whole bunch of people downstairs. I don't understand, this aspect feels like it's never going to get any better...Im shying away from it up in my room cause I just don't have the energy for it. I was working in the city today and that almost always fries my stimuli for the day, but thats not all of the reason why im not down there. I wana be down there Im not a party pooper, Im really not. Ive been feeling like myself again I dunno why something like this is setting me back. Ive been full of energy and got the zest back in my life and i shouldn't be up here shying away from people. Sure part of it is because over stimulation of people, noise, movement gives me a headache and makes me panic. But it's also where my head is at too. As I got older I realized and saw alot of the fakeness of people, especially in social situations (like parties). They act one way with a group of people and put on a face and then act another way with others and it just makes me sick. Ugh I don't know how some of these people do it, it drains me. I feel like I have to entertain people and i hate it. And people say "you don't have to entertain people" YES YOU DO! You have to keep a conversation going because if you don't people will make fun of you cause your quiet. So Im constantly thinking of what to say next and it puts alot of pressure on me and when I can't think of something and the convo falls apart then there is an awkward silence and I HATE THAT! Im not very good with conversation Im sorry, so either I just keep my mouth shut and people say things about me or I try and it's hit or miss. And I also hate when Im in a group of people and they're having a convo and then i can have a breather cause Im not the one holding it together, but then people get up and leave and then Im stuck there with one or two people and I have to say something! and it's always awkward, always! I just feel like I have to dance the entire time Im in a social situation and I just don't feel like it, it drains me. It just feels so fake and boring to me, peopel sitting around conversing. thats supposed to be fun? I mean little sandwiches wrapped up, nice music in the backround, cakes and napkins, it just feels like such a production and a display and I hate displays. and I feel horrible that im not down there right now but i don't know what to do. I feel trapped up here. I hope I can get past this one day and it doesn't haunt me forever. People just annoy me, Im sorry but they do. They're either rubbing their ego in your face, correcting what you say all the time, making you feel stupid, making some observational comment about yous physical features to make themselves feel good, making any comment about you to make themselves feel good, putting you down, etc etc. Im tired of it, I really am. Thats why when even one person makes a comment about me being tall or skinny or quiet I walk right out infront of them, I don't care, I just can't take it anymore. Ive heard it and heard it and heard it and heard it and heard it and heard it and heard it and heard it and I don't want to hear it anymore. Im 21 going to be 22 and already Im tired of it. Im tired of all the convo shitters actually, Ive heard them all quite a bit. The im gunna wait till you slip up and make a mistake so I can jump on it and correct you. the im gunna point out something about you thats less then perfect to make myself feel better and throw all my insecurities off on you. The Im gunna get the whole group together to laugh at you about something. The your always wrong. Ive heard it all and Im done

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Tao te Ching: Verse 57

If you want to be a great leader,
You must learn to follow the Tao.
Stop trying to control
Let go of fixed plans and concepts,
and the world will govern itself.

The more prohibitions you have,
the less virtuous people will be.
The more weapons you have,
the less secure people will be.
The more subsidies you have,
the less self-reliant people will be.

Therefore the master says:
I let go of the law,
and people become honest.
I let go of economics,
and people become more prosperous.
I let go of religion,
and people become serene.
I let go of all desire for the common good,
and the good becomes common as grass.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Feeling it melt away...

So since I dove back into my spiritual practice head first Id have to say Im starting to feel alot more like myself again. Ive realized alot of things just in this short period of time and one of them being that I don't have to fight the world like I have been. Alot of my stress and anxiety came from me hating and fighting against the world all the time and I realized that it really is all perfect. Taoism has taught me that fighting against the world and trying to fix it is a losing battle and I know that first hand from the way I was feeling. We are all perfect and all apart of the drama. I was at the gym today and just felt so euphoric seeing all the perfection around me. As ram dass said it was like "seeing god's paint brush at work." And I didn't have to push or pull or do anything, it's always been perfect the way it is! I was the one that was making it "unperfect" for myself. Im trying to think of how to word what Im going to say right's long as I kept wanting the world to be perfect it was never going to be. Because wanting something puts you at a distance from it and it'll never happen. As soon as I had that mind shift from wanting to accepting I saw the world in a way Ive never seen it before. It was like being born again. I hope I made sense in what I was trying to get across

Another thing I realized is that all you're unhappyness really does spawn from you're attachments. Atleast mine do. Now whenever Im feeling anxious or upset or whatever about something and I don't know why, I ask myself "what am I attached to?" You don't realize it but your mind is CONSTANTLY looking for something to cling too, something for it to attach itself too. For whatever reason I haven't figured that out yet, maybe it'll be another realization some day, but it really does go from one thing to the next. It's not you're fault either it's just the way it is, but working with meditation can help you free your mind and make you a happier person. For example when Im feeling like Im inadequate (hope I spelled that right) and like Im not doing enough with my life I figured out that what Im attached to is what other people think of what Im doing. Im attached to wanting people to think of me a certain way and just knowing that makes the anxiety drop 50% and then I can take that attachment and throw it away and there goes the other 50%. And I know that Im not the only one that does this either. I could name a few people I know who are solely doing things based off what other people think or to impress people with how much they have or how much they've done, but they will go unnamed on this blog of Thats how I also eventually got over my break up too was finding out that I was fighting the change and then once I realized that I just surrendered and let the change just happen, I embraced it and knew that it was all apart of the perfection.

Another thing that Ive come to realize is that livng in the now is one of the most beautiful things you can experience as a human being. Thats all I have to say about that.

Now working with meditation Ive found a method that has worked for me and it's a method thats been used for thousands of years. But you take everything that you know yourself to be (ex. Im a brother, a son, a friend, 6'5", I work at Mattituck shellfish, I live on long island, Im laid back, blah blah blah) you take everything and then throw it away. Then what am I do you ask? You are exactly that....and you are none of that. It's quite the paradox and if you try and rationalise it with the thinking mind you'll never figure out what I just said. You Are.....

I will right more later but for now I must go get something to eat. Peace

Oh and I will be starting a new series (thank you dr.L for the I will be writing each day one of the 81 verses of the tao de ching that was written a loooooonnnnngggggg time ago by Lao Tsu. It is said to be the greatest selling book only second to the bible. I don't think I will do all 81 but as I write them down I will contemplate each one and I hope you will join me in understanding the writtings of Lao Tsu

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Some funny stuff

Here's a little humor for everyone. It's Zack Galifianakis and Tim and Eric doing a set of commercials for absolute If you don't understand this type of humor, it's completely But the third video toward the end makes me lose it Watch all 3 and you'll understand why. I love tim and

Friday, June 12, 2009

Words Of Mahler (My favorite composer ever)

"The point is not to take the world's opinion as a guiding star but to go one's way in life and working unerringly, neither depressed by failure nor seduced by applause."

-Gustav Mahler

6.2.09 Jones Beach Show - Night 1

After the bold statement at Fenway park that Phish was back and better than ever, they continued their summer tour with a 3 night run at Jones Beach Amphitheater. Even though the weather was not promising the show that was about to come was. Starting the night off with Runaway Jim and Foam the boys showed that they have definitly been practicing and the tight, intracet phish that we all know and love was here to stay.

Next they debuted another new song from their upcoming album called "Stealing Time from the Faulty Plan." Which out of all the new tunes they have presented to us so far, this has to be my favorite. Continuing the set with timber/cities/Driver they came up to another highlight which was Reba. Reba (like foam) has a very comlex composed section in the beginning and they nailed it! The jam that followed was very moving and beautiful. Trey seems to be shaping the jams better then he did at the Hampton shows and to all you people who say Trey needs the drugs, go screw yourself. How selfish of you and Zappa never did drugs and look at what a genius he was...just sayin. They then finished off the first set with a mellow and peacefull "If I Could"
Second set had a nice little string of songs which was Mikes Song>Simple>Wolfman's Brother>Weekapaug Groove. The segues between the songs were a little sloppy and didn't seem to flow but it was still a nice attempt. Next came a great "When the Circus Comes to Town" and a new song debut of "Kill Devil Falls" (which happens to be my least favorite new tune). But now we come to the highlight of the entire show and in my opinion the entire run "Harry Hood" If nothing else download this show just for this one song you won't regret it. The middle section of the jam on this "Hood" is absolute bliss, like no other hood ive ever heard them play. In this song they remind us why we love them so much and keep coming back for more. There is no other band that can channel the energy of life like they can and do in this jam, NO ONE. If you want proof that there is a god and want to merge into it's pulse then listen to this jam. But of course after the psychedelic journey Trey sorta has a crash landing with the end of the song but it is all made up for by that middle section....
Tonight they play the bonnaroo festival and are going to tear the roof off the place. Poor festival is going to be flooded with phish

Thursday, June 11, 2009

"Be Water"

Water is not rigid

Water has no agenda

If it stops flowing water will stagnate

Water gives and never asks for anything in return

Water molds and adapts to any surrounding

Our bodies are made up of mostly water. This has been a practice taught for centuries in eastern religions. Become water and move into the way

Sunday, June 7, 2009

By July of this year there will be an estimated 6,790,062,216 people in the world (Thats not a made up number either I got it from the census website.) My point for bringing this up you ask? Well I had an epiphany today. As usual whenever I have a bad day I start thinking, and I was thinking that of those over 6 billion people in the world, you have the exact same amount of experiences, and not one of them being the same! There are no two people where you could say that they had the exact same experience going through life, even if they were together for every single moment together (like some people are I guess, conjoined twins comes to mind).

I find it funny though that out of all those people....not a single one of us knows what the fuck is going on. You may think you do, but you really don't. But think about it that's 6 billion ego's walking around injecting themselves into each other. I guess my point is that...people you meet everyday are casting judgements on you right off the bat. People you know have their idea's about you and the way you live your life too and if you go around trying to convince everyone to think of you the way you'd like them to think off you there's no point. It's not weak to give up sometimes because here is a prime example, GIVE UP. Things about you are being swirled around by people everyday and most of those people haven't a clue. It's kinda like the internet....once you put something out there, it's pretty much impossible to change it or to get it off. But the thing is that the assumptions/judgements/aspersions that people are placing on you have nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

Thats why I brought up experience before. You've got over 6 billion experience's who don't know what each other's is like and they're all casting judgements on each other (mostly). I hope I made sense in what I was trying to get across. Im just frustraited with people giving me their 2 cents all the time and people casting judgements on me. I hate to use the stupid cliche but I should just stop carring what people think of me. Im sick of being told to open up and then pretty much to shut up when I do. Im sick of people having to fluff up their ego's infront of me everyday, like a peacock trying to impress a lady peacock. Im not impressed, stop puffing your chest out infront of me, fuck off. Cause thats all it is, it's just fluff, and I can tell when it's just fluff and it's annoying.

"Most of our lives are spent reasurring each other that our ego's are on straight" - Ram Dass

"People who always have to tell you that they don't care what other people thing are desperate for you to know they don't care what other people think" - George Carlin

I don't know if those quotes are exact but I think they are

Monday, June 1, 2009


Phish kicked off their first summer tour in 5 years last night at the great Fenway Park and what a show it was! Starting off the night on the pitchers mound with the star spangled banner sung acapella, the boys had a great concert in store for everybody. The night was full of first time played songs, songs rarely played, classic tunes, spacey jams and blow out covers! They are really starting to get the feel for it again and if this is just them working out the kinks then this summer tour is going to be insane. To top it all off Trey is clean and sober and his tone sounds amazing, he definitly has the compressor back in his rig and doesn't have that nasty dirty raunchy sound as he did post hiatus. Don't get me wrong I liked some of the dirtier stuff but that sound did not work with alot of their stuff, not at all. All in all I have high expetactions for this tour and it's only a matter of time before they really go in a new direction and blow us all away (look up 97 funk) as long as it's not in some techno direction, I will never listen to them again if they do that crap. Please don't become some Techno wank meaningless p.o.s jamband. Im sure they won't but just the thought of that would be horrifying. You can download Fenway at , it's only 10 bucks and well worth it. Or try and find a free audience recording but they sound like shit, I would recomment getting the soundboards.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

R.I.P Leroi Moore 1961-2008

I know it is a little late for this but I just wanted to do my little tribute to Leroi Moore, the saxophonist from Dave Matthews Band who died on August 19th 2008. The late sax player died in the hospital from complications from an ATV accident he had outside his Virgina farm. He will be GREATLY missed by everyone who he touched with his beautiful solo's. The sounds that man would create are nothing short of godly. He could play a penny flute, flute, tenor sax, alto sax, barry sax, and a number of other instruments, such talent. There will never be anyone like him. Increadible guy who left an increadible legacy.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Of Fungi and Foe

"Of Fungi and Foe" is the title of Les Claypool's new solo album that I just bought today. The album is a compilation of songs that Claypool was commissioned to write for a video game called "Mushroom Men" and movie called "Pig Hunt." If you like Claypool's work and have 15 bucks I would recommend getting it. It's full of softer claypool grooves but still has his signature style.

Sensationalised TV

I'm feeling myself more and more being turned off by the rest of the world. I don't watch much tv to begin with...mainly when Im eating or something but I think Im just gunna give up tv all together. I can't stand the crap on it anymore. I can't even stand looking at people's faces on tv anymore. I can't stand the commericals, the hype, anything. It's amazing that something so hyped up can be the most boring fucking thing in the world. I can't understand how people can watch this crap anymore.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Im still very much an angry child

It's a very simple formula, Adam = Mad at the world. I don't know how I got this way and I don't care. I hate the world and everything about it. I hate it's little system, I hate the bs that comes with it, I hate it's little games and I don't want to play them! I never asked to be put on this planet and play the game, so why am I here! There's nothing even that I could get out of the game that I want! So why am I playing!? WHY?! For what purpose?! So I can have a place to live and money and things? Ok so I play the game so I can atleast have a place to live, now why do I have a house?! WHY!?!?!? It doesn't make sense to me. I don't want to do it anymore or have anything to do with it! I just wana be left alone! I can't stand the world and the people in it. Just F off. I don't wana "get ahead" or "be something" I just want to live! Just let me live and do my thing and leave me the fuck alone. Take your smug statements and your snob nosed life and shove it. And leave other people the fuck alone while your at it. If someone wants to be a truck driver or something like that then good for them! Just because your college educated doesn't make you any better then someone who is not so fuck you. And fuck the man too. I hate how this world is run, I can't stand it anymore. I can't stand how people are constantly taken advantage of by other people it sickens me. I don't see the point in any of this! Take your money and stuff it down your throat cause I don't want money, or things, or a family, or anything. I DON"T CAREEEEEEE. I have no motivation to "become" anything because I don't see the point. Play the game to get things and then....what? IT's just a life to nowhere, where your trapped in this cycle of paying bills and going to work and making money and on and on and on. So what do I get out of being caught in the system when there's nothing I want? I need to go to bed my head hurts

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Live Phish Hampton Downloads

So this is the first post where I will be changing the color of my text because I don't wana be boring and just have one color for each post. Just wanted to get that out of the way, but anyway back to what I was originally going to write about. Phish is about to embark on their comeback tour (again) aka phish 3.0. And it's called phish 3.0 because they took a hiatus back in 2001 to 2002 and no one knew if they were gunna come back and then they came back and did it again in 2004 up to now because trey was going to far down the drug path. But now he's so sobered up and hopefully ready to go and in less then a day we should see a new reformed phish.

Now since Hampton Coliseum only holds about 14k people and phish can hold festivals with 100k + people,so you can imagine that there are alot of people that got shut out of the shows (including me). But Phish being phish they decided to include all their fans by recording the shows on their sound board decks, mixing them that night, and releasing them FOR FREE the next day on mp3 on AMAZING. It's classic phish always trying to include their fans in everything they do and returning the love that we all show for them. I HIGHLY suggest you go on right now and pre-order all 3 shows because I promise you, you will not be disapointed! The mothership is taking off!

Friday, February 27, 2009

Still Here

So Im almost done reading a book entitled "Still Here" by Ram dass and I think it is great. It's his latest book that he's writin and the only one since he had his stroke. The book is geared more toward older people but it still has some good lessons in it. I mean we're all gunna be old one day anyway and are gunna have to face the same things. He mostly talks about the ultimate fear that everyone has in life and that is of course dying. He talks about how here in the west dying is a sort of thing to be scared of and shunned, to be "out of site, out of mind" in a way. Were as in more eastern culture death is something that is embraced and cherrished. I highly recommend reading this book or any book he has writin for that matter. I think the next one Im going to read is either "Be Here Now" or "The Psychedelic Experience". But anyway, reading this book has really brought the reality home to me, reality being that I'm going to die. We all are going to die, it's going to happen. No matter how much we try and not think about it or push it off, it's going to happen. I don't believe that death is something to be feared, something that we have to run away from. I think being mindful of our impending death day to day can make us feel more alive and in the moment and enjoy everyday we are givin. It really puts your ego drama into perspective.

The body dies, the ego structure dies, but we don't. It's the ego that is the one that is holding on and is afriad of dying. As Ram Dass says if you only think of yourself as this body and as your ego self then you are gunna be afraid to die. But that is not all that you are, those are only relatively real. We exist much deeper then what we percev as "real". We exist in those higher planes of conciousness, we exist as the one. Life is a round trip, we come into this world with nothing and we leave with nothing. I want to think of death and not be depressed about it. I want to think of death as something that should be celebrated, as they do in other parts of the world. Not that it's not sad that someone or you just died, but in reality they're not gone.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Phish 12.29.94: Providence Civic Center, RI

So in my blog I will be talking alot about music and I figured what better place to start then my first livephish cd I ever bought. More specifically livephish 20 12.29.94: Providence Civic Center, RI. The setlist that night was like a long beautiful composition and is nothing but epic. Here is the setlist

Set 1: Runaway Jim> Foam, If I Could, Split Open and Melt, The Horse> Silent in the Morning, Uncle Pen, I Didn't Know, Possum

Set 2: David Bowie, Halley's Comet, The Lizards, Cracklin' Rose, Good Times Bad Times, My Long Journey Home

Encore: Sleeping Monkey

So the night starts off with a kick ass runaway jim into foam and I think the transition from these two songs is really genius. Foam is a really complex song, the band has said that it's probably the hardest song they play, and to go from a pretty standard rock song into something as complicated as foam is really tough to do. But I guess not that tough when your on Anyway the first set continues with a standard If I Could to calm things down a bit and then goes into a monster Split Open and Melt. Pretty short for a Split Open and Melt at only ab out 11 mins long. Then they bring things down again with a nice Horse into Silent in the Morning. Uncle Pen is always a fun song. If I could only hear one bluegrass song for the rest of my life I think it would be uncle pen. And then comes the ever favorite I Didn't Know when fish comes out with his electrolux vacuum and plays a nice little solo for everbody. Then the first set finished with a nice little possum.

Now for the second set, where the night really takes off into all kinds of places. The definate highlight of the second set and of the entire show is the David Bowie that clocks in at 35 mins long. This bowie is one of my favorites, it doesn't start off as usual with high hat from fish, but instead it starts off with a nice little loop jam from trey and mike and page join in on the structure that trey put out. It is definatly mind bending. After about 5 mins of loop jam they finally break out the main structure of the song and then after that are back to taking the song into a whole new direction. Im not going to describe all 35 mins of the jam but it reminds me of a peice by mahler called "Der Abscheid" from his 9th symphony "Das Leid Von Der Erde" If you've ever listened to that you would know what IM talking about. It takes you up and down and all around. And thats what this jam reminds me off. My favorite part of the song is when they totally break the song apart and are just whistling and trey is talking about lassie coming home and then is doing some banter. It will melt your face away, listen to this song in the complete dark straight threw and you'll know what im talking about. But I will continue with the rest of the set. After that amazing David Bowie they go into halley's comet and then into a nice Lizards with that beautiful guitar solo at the end of it. Next fish comes out again and they break out a cover of Neil Diamond's "Cracklin' Rose". Then after that another cover! This time of Good Times , Bad Times which they've covered alot and trey always does a nice job of. Then to end the night off after such a great show they wip out and acoustic version of My Long Journey Home with trey on acoustic guitar, mike on banjo, page on upright base, and fish on mandolin. Then finally with a soulfull and fun sleeping monkey.

So on a scale of 1 to 10 I would have to rate this one a 10 only because it was my first and because of the awsome setlist and the david bowie. Oh yeah and because it was phish in 94 and phish in 94 rocks.

Monday, February 23, 2009

People who are over productive annoy me

And I don't know why. Maybe it's because Im jealous because Im not that way? Or maybe it's because I see people who are so caught up in whats going to happen next that they lose themselves in abunch of nothing. We live in such a high pressure society and I think thats why I have trouble finding where I fit in and in constant conflict with it. Our society, especially in the west, is all about being productive. The message is Succeed! Achieve! Produce! Acheive! Acheive! Which there is nothing wrong with being successfull and accomplishing your dreams but when thats what your life is all about thats where the problem is. We're constantly looking for more and bigger and better things. No one is ever satisfied with what they have and if they just slowed down and lived in the present moment they would see a totally diffrent world for themselves. People always think that if they just get to this point in their lives or get to that thing that they've always wanted that then their lives will feel happy and fullfilled, and most people who do achieve whatever that is don't feel that way. They get to that point finally and they realize that it didn't fix their problems like they thought it would. They base their entire worth as a human being on what they've accomplished or how much they've produced or whatever it is, and all it causes is suffering. Yeah the ego is getting fed and is on this great trip and riding high when you do come through. But alot of these things can easily be taken away and when it does at some point or another your ego will take a huge dive into the world of depression. You'll feel worthless and depressed because you feel like you are nothing, when it's not true. You've just spent all this time feeding the ego and depriving the soul.

I don't know about you but I don't want to base my happyness or my sense of worth in the world to things out side of the body. On things that society says that you should base it on. It's to rocky of ground because it can fall out from under you at any moment. Your life will fluxuate with the way things are going around you, up and down, up and down, up and down. Look at whats going on today with the economy. Nobody's job is safe, nobody's. I don't want to live in a world like that. I want to find peace and thats why Im starting my spiritual practice again. To find true inner peace. To know that what I do or what ive done doesn't make me who I am, It's just part of my ego dress. Im working on living in every moment. Enjoying the birth and the death of each moment as it goes by and finding the perfection in it all, even the bad ones. I trully believe that the bad times we have are just as beautiful and perfect as the great times, because the bad times bring us closer to the one, or the seat of conciousness, or god, or whatever you want to call it. It's helps us not to forget who we really are. And I will finish with a quote from Ramana Maharshi that I believe fits with this.

"Nearly all mankind is more or less unhappy
because nearly all do not know the true self
Real happiness abides in self-knowledge alone.
to know one's self
is to be blissful always"

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Why I love Phish

Ok so here's my first blog. Whatever that means anyway. I don't much care for writing. But here is why I love the phish so much. Where do I begin? Ive been listening to phish for a little over 3 years now. And I know thats not much as compared to some vetrans who have been following the band around for ages, but hey I don't care, I love the band. I remember getting my first cd of theirs at best buy in september of 05. It was LivePhish 20: 12.29.94 - providence civic center, and for some reason, while wandering around the cd aisle like I normally do, that cd just caught my eye. And I was like hey why not get it. Ive heard of them once before I think and if I don't like them then oh well. Little did I know that it would change everything for me. And the funny thing is that I can remember shortly before that saying that I wish I could find a band that was even better then Dave Matthews Band, because DMB was my favorite band at the time, but I can remember wishing to find some new music and a band that I would love even more then dmb. But anyway I listened to that cd and at first I had no idea what the hell was going on. I had no idea what kind of band they were or what category to place them in. They would be playing music that was so diffrent to what Ive heard before one minute then be playing a bluegrass tune the next and I even heard a vacuum cleaner in there and I was like....what?lol They had long 35 minutes songs and then short little songs and I was all over the So I listened to that cd for about a month just trying to absorb it and it wasn't until I got 12.31.95 a month later, out of curiosity, that I finally "Got It" and my life just blossomed into this whole other dimension.

I wish I could describe what listening to phish is like if you haven't listened to them before. It's every feeling you could imagine in one show. It's a total break from reality, it's goofy fun, it's spiritual, it's psychedelic, it's dark and heavy. I thought I listened to heavy music when I was into metallica and pantera. I was wrong. Yeah metallica is loud and heavy metal. But phish has some real heavy ass music. And I don't mean heavy in the metal sense. I mean heavy in like the classical sense, using chords and progressions and all that. With some of the darkest jams you've ever heard in your life. And they just come up with this stuff on the spot. It's amazing. People have alot of misconceptions about the band. they think it's just all happy hippy pot-head music and it's not. I don't do drugs and I can't get enough of listening to them. I love listening to all the diffrent shows they've done and hearing how each one is so diffrent. You see I was brought up in a house with two music teachers who listened to jazz and classical and a bunch of other stuff, they weren't rock lovers but I was when I got older and started getting my own cds. So with all that backround growing up, when I found phish it was like a dream come true. I had my rock, I had my improv, i had my classical, my funk, my jazz, bluegrass, you name it. Phish has it.

You see I have been moved by this band. Trey (the guitar player) doesn't play a guitar. He plays an emotion controller machine. Trey says hey Im gunna take you all on a trip and whoever wants to come, follow me. And of course what would trey be without the other guys in the band too, mike (bass) page (paino) and fish (drums). As trey stated in a interview once, the music is already out there all he does is channel it and execute it for all to hear.