Don't worry people nothing has happend

But I really feel like I could just drop out of society right now and not be the least bit saddend at all. Actually I feel as though I would do better. Ive felt this way for the longest time and I don't know whats stopping me from doing it. Maybe fear? I don't know. People take my boredom with life as depression but it's not. Im just tired of the games and trips that go along with this lifestyle. Because it's like "is that all there is?" I find myself constantly saying to myself that there's gotta be more to life than this. And it's not just one general game that Im talking about. It's games that people and I have played with relationships, education, friends, achievment, goals, etc etc. Whatever it is there always seems to be a game that goes along with it, but for what? It just seems so empty to me.

Now really the only time I don't have that empty feeling is when Im doing something with unattachment or doing whatever Im doing in complete surrender. But as you can imagine thats hard to do when you live in a place like Long Island, which is always go go go and material material material and achieve achieve achieve. It's easy to forget the thing that makes you feel whole and get caught in the trap of feeling like you don't have enough. So what do I do? Do I stay here and try and cut through it all? Or do I finally say Ive had enough and drop out and find a cave in the Himalays. I dunno, but hopefully the answer comes soon.

Karma!

You are bound by karma! You are a slave to it! Ironically the more I say that to myself the more free I feel. There is no such thing as good or bad karma! Karma is just the unfolding of cause and effect, or aka your life! Just about an hour ago I was feeling depressed and frustraited and angry about my "situation" with not having a job and not knowing where Im going, etc etc. But sitting in meditation for an hour I burned all that away. I was able to see that I was feeling trapped by my situation at the moment and that Ive always felt trapped no matter what situation I was in. Wether it was school, or working at depot or not having anything to do at all like it is now. And Ive always fought the feeling of being trapped. I realized that if I was a millionaire I would feel just as trapped as I would if I were a bum on the street. And thats because you are! So intstead of fighting my karma I GO with it. But it's not just rolling over and submitting to whatever it is your dealing with. The whole game is about bringing CONCIOUSNESS to it. If you bring conciousness to your predicament you free yourself from it!

Burn it all away! Everything! Just burn it away! It's a battle between you and your ego, but you need that struggle inorder to create the fire to burn your shit in! Thoughts of self-conciousness arise? BURN IT! Feeling depressed? BURN IT! Thinking about someone that said something you didn't like? THROW IT IN THE FIRE! Even throw yourself in it! You CANNOT carry anything around with you because then you get defined by it and god is undefinable! The ego is very tricky and does not want to die. It will hang on to anything it can to not lose it's identity, and I mean anything. It is desperate for your attention and to make it as important as possible. Don't fall for it's tricks!

Realize that wherever you are in life right now, young or old, rich or poor, "successful" or not, you are playing your part in the drama PERFECTLY right now. Let go of EVEYTHING and you shall gain EVERYTHING

Tao te Ching: Verse 4

The Tao is like a well:
used but never used up.
It's like the eternal void:
filled with infinite possibilities.

It's hidden but always present.
I don't know who gave birth to it.
It is older than God.

Words of Mahler

Never let oneself be guided by the opinion of one's contemporaries. Continue steadfastly on one's way. - Gustav Mahler

Getting deeper...

Spiritual practice is beginning to open myself up again to the world. Im starting to feel the restrictions that Ive put on myself all these years, with my mind, become less and less of a handicap. They have not completely fallen away yet and maybe never will, but what used to be crippling is just a fascinating part of the dance now. You see quieting yourself down and being one with it all, for me atleast, has taught me more about myself and this life then I could have ever imagined. But if you do meditation or spiritual practice or praying or whatever for that reason then you're not going to learn anything at all. Meditation is not done to become a healthier person, or to become enlightened, or to be able to see it all, or because it's the hip thing to do now. Meditation is done because thats all there is to do, it's done just because. If you bring a goal or you're ego in with you, your not going to get anywhere, nor is there anywhere to go anyway.

At this point in my journey Ive come to realize that I reside in a place, right on the edge, where everything is manifest, a place of total fulfillment. Good and bad, pretty and ugly, bitter and sweet, etc etc. I am in form but formless, I am here but not here, I am doing something and not doing anything at all. Right in the center between yin and yang. And as you become more able to extricate yourself from your structures of mind, emotion, feeling, personality, you start to see it all as perfect and harmonious. Thats the whole game is trying to get back to that place where we all came from of emptiness, spaciousness and love. The formula seems to be that emptiness = total fulfillment. Odd formula isn't it? But as soon as you try and inject the ego or some other frame of mind into it, you lose it. And when you're at that place you see everything and accept everything for the way it is with total love and compassion, the good and the bad, because thats all you can do. You can't accept the good times and recject the bad times it's impossible, and the people who try and do it are the ones that are constantly running into problems all the time, wether it be big or small. Because part of it is the perspective of which they are looking at the situation which is the ego. The universe isn't fighting against bad things happening to it, it's just letting it happen. Neither is the universe wasting itself worried about it's inevitable demise, it just is. And as you get deeper and deeper, you start to love the highs and lows just as equally becuase you see the perfection in it all, and to do otherwise just creats more suffering and is hypocrytical if you really think about it. It's like what maharaji said to Ram Dass "Don't act like christ, become christ"

All of your fears and worries and stresses are just creations of the ego. As it is said "Only the unattached mind can really see how it all is" Your attachments and your ego are creating your universe.

Tao te Ching: Verse 3

If you overesteem great men,
people become powerless.
If you overvalue possessions,
people begin to steal.

The Master leads
by emptying people's minds
and filling their cores,
by weakening their ambition
and toughening their resolve.
He helps people lose everything
they know, everything they desire,
and creates confusion
in those who think that they know.

Practice not-doing,
and everything will fall into place.

8.14.09: Meadow's Music Theatre - Hartford, Ct

Yes, my first phish experience and what an experience it was. The second night of the final four night run of the summer tour. This show had it all and is being hailed as one of the best shows of the tour. The scene was beautiful, the music was beautiful as was the entire night.

After a longer than expected drive to the venue me and my friend arrived there about an hour and a half before the show was supposed to start. So we walked around the parking lots and just took in the scene (and to look for a person to sell our extra ticket too). All around were people tail-gaiting, listening to music, throwing a football, selling various handmade products, etc etc. It was a very calm atmosphere, with all the diffrent concerts Ive been too, Ive never gotten a vibe like I did that night. Well after some wandering about and finding someone who was looking for an extra ticket we headed onto the lawn, it was still early so we found a nice spot on the lawn where we had a great veiw and just laid on the lawn for a while listening to some Coltrane that was on the house music. Then as the hour progressed more people started coming in (obviously) but it was 8:00 alreay and still no PHISH! What were they trying to do to me?! Another 45 minutes had past with the occasional false alarm and the crowed clapping in reaction when FINALLY...ahhhhh the four guys from vermont.

The lights went down, the place FILLED with smoke and the first note of the night came out which was "Punch You In the Eye" Great first set opener. The night continued on with a little trip to gamehenge with "AC/DC Bag" and an "NICU". After that we got a great "Colenel Forbins Ascent>Famous Mocking Bird" Usually some type of story is told during the song but there was none to be had, the night was still young though. Famouse Mocking Bird was very well played by trey for an 09 show. After the stellar excecution of Mocking Bird they whipped out a dark meniacle "Birds of a Feather" I was never really a fan of this song in the beginning but it's starting to grow on me now because I realize how much jam potential there is with this song. After the first psychedelic jam of the night page decided to come out and serenade us with the always fun jazz interlude of "Lawn Boy". With a shout out to the people on the lawn! Wooooo! After that, another psychedelic journey, this time with "Stash". The first set was very jammy, which I like because Im a big fan of when they just go off. Alot of risk taking in the first set and we still had another one to go! Ending the other worldly "stash" they brought it back down again with "I didn't Know" where fishman plays his vacuum solo! After that came a song that I love love love called "Middle of the Road" It's a new song but it's so fun and I can't stop listening to it. To end a great first set they topped it off with the blues based "Character Zero". My first set of phish had been completed and I was not disapointed.

After the fifteen minute break the boys came out again and the night was back on! They came right out of the gates running with "Down with Disease." This song has been the jam vehicle of the tour and I was excited to see how it would pan out tonight. It's always a great song to get the crowd moving too. This "Disease" was going fantastic! The song was really being shaped nicely and toward the end it was getting serene and beautiful! I was so into it! and then....trey kills it by starting "Wilson". What?! There was absolutely no grace in the segue what so ever. The disease jam was beautiful and then it was just BLAT! Totally brought me back down to earth.lol I guess trey decided he had had enough and just wasn't feelin it anymore. Oh well, had to move on, atleast "wilson" sounded great. After the great but structured "Wilson" they segue into "slave to the traffic light" ahhhhh back to my euphoria. "slave" sounded beautiful and again trey was shaping the music much better then the beginning of summer. Now at this point I had this HUGE dude, spun out on something or another, dancing like a manic right next to me! But it's ok he was being cool about it and didn't bother me, but I was thinking that if he hit me I would be going down the lawn.lol He was a big dude, but hey he was enjoying himself. So as the "slave" ended they went into a fantastic, very well jammed out "piper" It even got me moving. From "piper" it segued into "water in the sky" ahhhhhh another fun song. I love those blue grass tunes as did the guy next to me.lol

HIm and his buddy started to do a hoe down. Nothing like a blue grass song to lift every body's

spirits. After that "Psycho Killer" which was on the house music before the show that alot of people were singing along too, so I guess they got the idea to play this song from the reception it received. The "Psycho Killer" was short and then changed into this weird, futuristic, video game rythm to which I said in my head "YES!" They were really going out on a limb here! This is why we love this band! They kept that going as trey started to goof around and try and dance to the music.lol Which was undanceable. Then he told fish to come and try the best dance he could. Keeping the strange rythm going trey started reciting their poem "Catapult!" WOOOOOOOOO!!! CATAPULT! OMG This was going to a whole other level. With the rythm STILL going trey started telling us how "we kids" are so involved with our technology with our video games and ipods. Then he remarked how he was around for the invention of PONG to which he started to immitated it to the strange music, which was extremely fitting.lol Going on about our technology and "kids these days" he started a rarely played song called "Icculus" This is where the story came in! Then to finish the night off and the set they came with "You Enjoy Myself"

Just an epic night with and epic setlist and EPIC playing. I will never forget it for as long as I live